Coming to Blows

Dreams have a way of untangling and exposing my inner thoughts and emotions that would otherwise remain ignored. A long time ago when I would paint everyday, and write everyday, I'd write in a dream journal each morning before it faded. The narrative and visual impact of these dreams would sometimes made their way into my artwork, and it was always fuel for the creative fire. But, just like my painting, I've been milled down by my circumstances and health to the point where it had atrophied. I no longer dreamt of imaginative and inspiring things as I was no longer imaginative or inspired, and instead I'd dream of work and day-to-day things, or past traumas. Either dreaming of being at work for a whole day and feeling it, or a labyrinthine dream of bad situations inspired by them. I'd wake exhausted and pained, and these kinds of dreams I wouldn't want to remember or record, and would just hang over me.

I'm not heavily invested in the divination of dreams and mysticism, but I do understand when the brain rests, it filters thought. Your short term memory and activity of the day is shuffled through to be stored in long term. This process during sleep while the gates are open and rooms all lit up, bring to light relevant ideas and expressions based on what has impacted you or you have been open to during your day. We can see these as symbolic and meaningful, and as we all share a somewhat common understanding of what a symbol represents, so dream interpretations can have common meaning.

Last night I dreamt from a field looking out onto a hill where pairs of beasts broke out in conflict with one another. By type these were two Horse, two Mountain Lion, two Wildebeest, two Camel and two Giraffe. Each turned to their twin and began brawling, ripping into each other with teeth and hooves. I remember trying to photograph it, but it was both sudden and slow motion, and like a living painting with too much detail.

In my day life, I've just returned from holiday. My day job sustains my existence financially but the burnout hasn't gone unnoticed. My health and artwork had suffered. The holiday was sorely needed. Regardless of how rejuvenating this was, I returned to work and run dry after two days. No matter how much handover I did, the support work was not done, or done incorrectly, and I effectively have the two weeks worth of work to catch up on solo. On the third day I chose to work from home but after some errors and then a poorly timed power outage, I just spent some time face down on the floor and called it lunch. I've never wanted to cry so much at once but couldn't bring my body to do it. I was also angry at finishing the day feeling like I'd not accomplished anything.

I forced myself to paint last night because of it, but they aren't nice things. One drawback for going to all digital media is if a drawing or painting doesn't feel like it is going anywhere, if it does not spark joy, then it gets deleted. This in turn means I have nothing to show for my time and energy, I have no history of it, and nothing to learn from it. There's also the thought that I don't want to be dark anymore, and so I don't put out the work that comes out from these forced applications.

And so this brings me to the dream I had afterwards. For once not a replay of work or trauma, but not unrelated.

It's said dreaming of animals in pairs is a sign of inner conflict. Forces opposed within oneself. This can symbolize feelings of tension or competing in waking life, and emotions or situations in conflict that need to be addressed. The specific animals I saw have their own meaning, and suggest conflicts and insight of their own nature.

Horses represent freedom, and movement. Fighting suggests struggling with personal freedom and a desire to break free from constraints.

Mountain Lions are fierce, strong and agile, and suggest a struggle for personal power.

Wildebeests are said to symbolize resilience and adaptability, and a struggle represents challenges in adapting to changes or pressures in life.

Camels represent endurance, and patience. Conflict is said to suggest a need to confront issues related to perseverance or burdens.

The Giraffe symbolizes perspective and vision. Fighting indicates how I see the situation, or the need to gain a broader perspective.

The Duality of each animal in conflict suggests opposing forces within - desire vs responsibility. I can relate enough to each idea that I know these are conflicts I am currently facing. It's not wrong to suggest that these are things I need to resolve to achieve balance in my life.

But I'm so very tired.

࿑Emma